by Jason Parmele on March 10, 2010
I generally try to avoid talking about news or quoting other blogs, but Yahoo is reporting an entire flock of birds just fell out of the sky. It sounds like the start of some bad Jay Leno joke: “So, hey get this, 75 birds just fell out of the sky…” At which point Kevin Eubanks would chime in with a laugh and say “C’mon Jay, really?”
But ignore that. 75 birds just fell out of the fucking sky. Do you know what the odds of that are? There aren’t odds on that. There are two things you can’t bet on: (1) Baseball, and (2) Birds falling out of the sky. It doesn’t happen. They have fucking wings!
I’ve put together an extensive list of possible causes:
- The world is ending.
Yahoo doesn’t necessarily deny this conclusion though they suggest the the flock became startled trying to escape a predator (such as a Hawk) and crashed landed into a driveway. Yah, yah, sure. That makes about as much sense as Col. Mustard in the Billiards room with the wrench. (Hint: It’s never Col. Mustard you can just cross him off at the beginning of the game.) I remember the last time I was trying escape from Pete Tardge, the neighborhood bully, I just said “Fuck it” and ran head first into a concrete wall to avoid him. Basically, Yahoo is calling this an accidental suicide.
Who was their leader? David Koresh?
This may be the biggest cover-up since Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Apparently, 5 of the Starlings survived the fall, but were later put to down because of severe injuries. 1 of those 5 had to have been talking. And according to Wikipedia Starlings can mimic “human speech patterns”. So, there’s no question they were talking. But what were they saying?
Were they attacked by a UFO? It’s not totally far fetched. I know, I know they’ve traveled all this way and must have all this technology why would they attack a flock of birds? So, I ask you this: why do they always abduct a random town idiot from the middle of nowhere? Everyone who has ever come forward from a UFO abduction is a redneck, a moron, or both. It’s never someone with a college degree or job.
There is little more to this story I can offer. I’m sorry, but I must go stock up on water and canned tuna.
by Jason Parmele on March 9, 2010
Despite nearly 2-to-1 odds I did not win this years family Oscars. Plagued by injuries, broken DVD players, age restrictions and European distribution, I was unable to see many of the nominated movies. Known for sweeping the Short Film Animated and Live Action categories I stumbled this year. Kavi was suppose to be a shoe-in, but lost out to The New Tennants. Such bullshit.
Sunday’s fiasco reminded me of three years ago when I misread the Best Documentary Feature as the Worst Documentary Feature and selected Jesus Camp instead of An Inconvenient Truth. Chalked up to nerves, most people figured I would rebound this year. It’s estimated that 70% of attendees at this years Oscar party expected me to be correct on 22 of the 24 categories. And I would’ve been if it wasn’t for the following 13 categories: Cinematography, Foreign Language Film, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Costume Design, Leading Actress, Supporting Actress, Directing, Documentary Short, Film Editing, Short Film Animated, Short Film Live Action, Original Screenplay, and Best Picture.
How the fudge monkeys did The Hurt Locker win Best Original Screenplay. They’re being fucking sued for stealing the story! The Hurt Locker single handedy “blew” my chances of winning. It was nominated in 9 categories. It won 6, and I didn’t pick it for a single one.
I won’t call it a bad movie. But definitely over-hyped. “Best war movie of all-time”? It’s not even the best war movie in the last 10 years. Black Hawk Down was way better and wasn’t even nominated for Best Picture (2002). Point proven.
And so, to the victor goes the spoils. This years winner, with 16 correct categories, is: Melissa Parmele. No relation. (Possibly my sister – blood tests pending. We share at least one common gene: winning.)
Watch the other award shows and sometimes go with your gut and you’ll do pretty good.
- Melissa
Runner-up or more commonly referred to as the first loser was Mike Ciulla (15 correct). Unfortunately for me, and eventually you, I lost a side bet with Mike giving him control over my site for one post. I’m sure he’s already hard at work preparing a statement and painting a six-pack on his abs.
by Jason Parmele on March 8, 2010
Congrats to Ryan whose caption wins the iTunes gift card:
Some poor citizen doesn’t know what I think about something. BlogMan to the rescueeeee.
- Ryan
I’ll say this, it was harder to judge this month. PG Tips had a well thought out caption and a couple others made me lol. But Ryan pretty much nailed the background and idea to that video/photo.
by Jason Parmele on March 4, 2010
Palo Alto, CA – David Gillespie’s 2-year relationship with his girlfriend, Jen Farrell, came to an abrupt end today after the heavily anticipated release of Google Buzz. eHarmony spokesman Dr. Neil Clark Warren estimates “Nearly 10% of all relationships, where both parties have Gmail accounts, will be effected by Buzz.” The problem he added is that “Buzz automatically enrolls users into the beta and allows them to view their friends most frequently emailed acquintances.”
Unfortunately, for David, among his 18 most frequently contacted friends was his ex-girlfriend: Daisy. Minutes after logging into Gmail Jen noticed she could see David’s followers (as Buzz uniquely calls them). Minutes after that David received a text from Jen saying “wtf us still talk 2 dat wore daisY!?” “It took me a few minutes to realize ‘wore’ was suppose to be spelled ‘whore’,” David said “and then I realized I was in deep shit”.
The automatic enrollment isn’t the only problem making headlines for Google today. We also learned the largest maker of toys in the world, Hasbro, has filed a lawsuit claiming Google heavily based their Buzz logo on pieces from the popular board game Trival Pursuit:
Google launched Buzz to fill the gaping hole in social media not currently filled by Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Flickr, Delicious, StumbleUpon, YouTube, FriendFeed, Bebo, MySpace, Orkut, Digg, Epinions, Nexopia, XING, Badoo, Skyrock, Friendster and Reddit to name just a few. Buzz will allow users to post comments and share links, something only 19 of the 20 services above currently offer.
In true social media fashion several Facebook groups have already been formed to remove the automatic opt-in feature of Buzz. One such group, founded by a 17yr old U.K. teen, was called If 1,000,000 people join Google will abandonded Buzz. As a prank, once the group reached a million members the teen renamed it to I’m glad an earthquake hit Haiti.
A member of the renamed group, Paul Fortune, was upset about the name change. But not nearly as upset as when his girlfrind broke up with him after discovering he too had been “…keeping his options open” on Gmail.
Not all are unhappy with Google’s new servie. eHarmony web traffic is up 10% and they’ve added a 30th dimension of capatability to ensure their matches do not both have Gmail accounts. In a press release issued this morning by eHarmory, Dr. Neil Clark Warren says “New users can use the promo code ‘BUZZ’ when registering to receive a 20% discount on their first 3 months”.
by Jason Parmele on March 2, 2010
Win a $10 iTunes gift card by submitting a caption to the below picture.
I’ve unearthed another photo gem for you (one day I’ll get around to showing you the video this is from):
Contest rules: All captions must be left below as a comment. Make sure you use a real email address. All captions must be submitted before March 8, 2010. One entry per person. I will be selecting the winner. Sort of like playing Apples-to-Apples. Below is a list of people not eligible to enter:
- Alanis Morissette
- Celine Dion
- Canadian hockey players
- In fact, anyone from Canada
Here’s last month’s winner.
