Bernie Madoff Meets Best Buy
It’s bad enough every time you’re at Best Buy or RadioShack they try to sell you a $5 warranty on a $20 purchase, but now, even Dick’s Sporting Goods are selling them on sneakers. Dick’s has a “No Sweat” policy that will cover your sneakers from sweat and discoloration. I know some of the things I say here are funny; this is not one of them. It’s sad. I watched a woman purchase it at checkout because the cashier said it would even cover discoloration from mowing your lawn. That seems like wear and tear to me.
Store warranties are a bigger scam than Nicolas Cage movies.
When a sales associate tries to sell it all I hear is, “This product is a piece of shit.” If I buy a TV and it stops working I’ll be bringing it back with or without your dumb warranty. And if they refuse to give me a refund…well apparently they haven’t met our family Terminator: Aunt Mary. She could return a used car tire to Barnes & Noble. They don’t even sell tires at Barnes & Noble, man! It’s a book store.
Do mankind a favor and don’t ever buy a store warranty. In most cases it’s a 3rd party who offers the warranty and the stores are just pedaling them. They’re taking advantage of you. For example, take a DVD player that sells for $75.
A warranty company knows that 1-in-100 DVD players break (outside coverage of a manufacturer’s warranty). If they sell a $3 warranty to just half of those 100 they’ll take in $150. When that one DVD player breaks they’ll replace it for $50 (their cost) and profit $100.
Essentially, store warranties are a tax for stupid people. Of course that one person who had their DVD player break and replaced would disagree with me, naturally. After all they saved $72. But the other 49 people lost $147 collectively. It’s a numbers game and it’s meant to take advantage of consumers.
I’ve never purchased an additional warranty. A manufacturer’s warranty (included with the purchase) is usually sufficient to catch the odd defect. I love when store employees try to sell them through “what if” scenarios. Buying a laptop once at Best Buy the employee said, “What if your little sister spills her orange juice all over the keyboard?” “I’ll tell you what if…” I told him, “I will punch her in the God damn face…and then return it.”
I once washed my iPod Mini and returned it to the Apple store pretending it mysteriously died. It was nearly 3 years old without a warranty and they still replaced it. Do you know why? It’s good customer service. Since then I’ve purchased a Nano and two Shuffles. If they didn’t replace my Mini I would’ve probably bought Zunes. I definitely wouldn’t still be talking about my positive experience. I’m paying it forward.
If you Google “Best Buy warranty” every result on the first page includes the word scam. It’s fun to read other people’s horror stories regarding warranties because I know how pushy they are at Best Buy. After refusing the warranty on the laptop I mentioned earlier, to multiple employees, I eventually asked one of them if I was on a hidden camera show. I just couldn’t believe how stupid they were.
This entry was written by , posted on January 26, 2010 at 10:00 pm. Leave a comment.
Free Internet TV for Every American
God gave Americans, and just because I’m Agnostic doesn’t mean I don’t get them, certain inalienable rights, such as:
- The right to bear arms — which does not exclude Polar bears
- Freedom
- Trans fat
- Mp3′s
- MTV’s Jersey Shore
- Diplomatic immunity
- Oil
- Hulu.com
There are two things I don’t have on that list. Firstly, the Polar bear. I assume, however, that’s it’s probably a 30th birthday type ritual. Sort of like Avatar where I need to go out into the wild and connect with one. It’s cool — I’m 29 — I can wait 10 more months.
Also, if you haven’t seen Avatar yet, it turns out it’s a freakin’ chick flick. Don’t be fooled by that trailer showing Marines destroying a planet in search of oil little rocks. It’s basically Bridget Jones’s Diary minus Hugh Grant’s awkward facial expressions. Actually, it’s like the Iraq War plus a love story.
The second thing I’m pissed about is 8th American inalienable right: Hulu. Because I’m outside of the U.S. I’m blocked from accessing Hulu. Hellooo…I’m an American. Let me in!
Generally, I favor legislation, walls and fences that keep foreigners out of the U.S. Heck, I wish we had 60 yr old racist Texans in upstate New York sitting with shotguns and whiskey in hand to keep an eye on the Canadians. But damn it man, I’m an American let me watch Hulu from Ireland. It’s like not being allowed apple pie or milkshakes. I don’t want to come off as whining, but IT’S NOT FAIR my sister gets to watch it! Why can’t I (Mom)?
Some of you more observant types might look at the photo above and see I was just trying to watch James Franco’s apperance on 30 Rock. And you might comment on how unimportant that is. But I couldn’t disagree with you more (1) I can do whatever want, and (2) Did you even see James Franco guest star on General Hospital? He’s amazing.
What’s the point of Hulu inside the U.S. anyway? Everybody has cable. Everybody has TiVo. Everybody has all the DVD box sets. And everybody has a perfect life. Hulu is designed for Americans outside of the U.S. who don’t have the modern conveniences of home.
I don’t get why this one thing is forbidden to us. We can do whatever the hell we want without any repercussions outside the motherland — home of McDonalds and Disney World. Did you see Liam Neeson’s portrayal of an American in Taken? He practically tore Paris down in the matter of 48 hrs. He shot the wife of a big shot French intelligence chief and nobody said shit to him. That’s how we roll.
I’ve come up with a couple ways Hulu could do a check to see if you’re an American from overseas:
- Enter your passport number
- Ask Saved by the Bell trivia
- Ask a relatively easy algebra problem (incorrect answers are Americans)
- Ask which version of The Office is better (U.S. or U.K.)?
- Ask them which key the “@” symbol is on — or should be on? (Americans will say “2″ everyone else will say “,”)
This entry was written by , posted on January 22, 2010 at 10:35 pm. Leave a comment.
2-ton Killing Machines
If an alien race appeared over Earth and said, “Hey, we have this great new technology that we can give you. It will allow you to transport yourself from one place to another instantly, but every year we will randomly kill 50,000 (as a fee).” Would you accept their offer?
No, you probably wouldn’t, but the joke here is we already have this technology. They’re called cars and they kill 50,000 people on U.S. roadways every year. According to some, seemingly credible sources your lifetime odds of dying in a car accident are 1 in 84. I’ve been in multiple, serious, car accidents (as a passenger and driver) and Community Chest is running low on “GET OUT OF ACCIDENT FREE” cards.
It’s not enough to set speed limits and the airbag has diminishing safety returns as your speed increases. I’ve heard driving referred to as a “necessary evil,” but I think it’s an unnecessary risk. You shouldn’t have to put your life in jeopardy going to Abercrombie & Fitch and the Apple store at the mall. Let’s be clear: I’m not opposed to killing people who shop at Abercrombie & Fitch. I just think they should suffer a more humiliating death than a single-car collision with a telephone pole.
I have a solution to eliminating automobile deaths. I would issue a mandate that all automobiles would have a top speed of 40 MPH. Every car would be fitted with a governing device that prohibits the car from going faster than 40 MPH.
We obviously can’t curb drinking and driving with stiffer penalties and there will always be stupid or inexperienced drivers on the road. If someone is going to run a red light and hit me let them do it at 40 MPH instead of 70.
Stop crying! I’m not encroaching on your inalienable rights. You can misinterpret the right to bear arms, but nowhere in the Constitution will you find the right to put my life at risk because you’re a 19 yr old douche-bag who put more modifications on a Dodge Neon than the car is worth. So what if it takes you 20 more minutes to get to the new Hanana Montana movie?
What would the police do if they found someone who has overridden the governing device? The same thing they do when they find someone in possession of an illegal firearm: charge them with a felony. A car is a 2-ton killing machine and no less of a weapon than a gun. I couldn’t be more serious about this.
This entry was written by , posted on January 18, 2010 at 11:22 pm. Leave a comment.
God Needs Better Storytellers
I would like to go to church more often. Yes, I’m Agnostic, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like a good story. As it stands, I go to church once a year: on Christmas Eve. Never, during the course of the year, is the church more packed. It’s standing room only. A matinée at 4, another showing at 7, and an encore performance at midnight. We cram in, all of us; Catholics, Atheists, Methodists, Agnostics and a few Jews probably sneak in to get out of the cold.
I’ve been to a lot of churches and like car dealerships they’re all the same. They lack energy and innovation. Every Christmas mass is the same. A hymn, a reading, and a homily recited by Ben Stein’s character in The Wonder Years. It’s usually followed up with another hymn, the kids nativity play, and if you’re lucky a quick communion. 2 of the 3 Wise Men in yesterday’s play forgot their lines, Joseph had ADD, the angels lacked grace, and the donkey couldn’t stand out from the sheep.
Why is the Father always 97 yrs old? Between him and the lectors I’m nearly asleep by halftime and then they have the nerve to pass around collection baskets.
I’m not funding amateur hour!
Churches needs to think big. What about bringing in professional actors and singers? Maybe the cast of Glee or NBC’s Sing-Off winners. How about Mel Gibson to play Jesus or Spike Jonze to direct the nativity play?
Regardless of how you view Christianity, the Bible is jammed full of entertaining stories: Daniel and the Lions Den, The Judgement of Solomon, Joseph and His Coat, David and Goliath, how about the one where God creates the Earth. These are page turners!
I love a good story. I spend an enormous amount of time reading, watching TV and movies every month. I want to be entertained and I’m willing to pay. So why is church so boring when they’re armed with the greatest stories ever told? It’s Christmas! They need to bring down the house and they have a lot to work with: an immaculate conception, white people being refused service (at the inn), angles shouting down to shepherds, and Three Kings guided by the stars to the son of God.
It’s completely made up, but so is Sherlock Holmes and Avatar and they’re raking in millions this weekend. If the church can’t sell Jesus on Christmas maybe they should just hire James Cameron and next year I can bring my 3D glasses.
This entry was written by , posted on January 2, 2010 at 9:49 pm. Leave a comment.
Boy, 7, Keeps Haiti Funds; Buys New Bike
Charlie Simpson, a 7 yr old boy from Fulham, London who has raised over £100,000 for Haiti work relief has decided to keep the money and buy “A new bike, and, and a fire truck” instead. Charlie and his father, Dan, hosted a 5-mile bike ride in the hope of raising £500. After receiving national media attention on BBC donations began coming in from all over the world.
When Charlie discovered how much money he had raised, “He spent hours jumping on his bed yelling ‘We’re rich, we’re rich’” according to his mother, Leonora. “We tried to explain to him that the money was for others boys and girls,” Leonora said, “but he’s old enough to make his own decisions now.” Coincidentally, Charlie has also decided to add another room onto the house for Leonora’s new hair salon.
When asked what type of toy fire truck he wanted, Charlie said, “No! No! A real fire truck” and then he proceeded to trap an insect in a jar.
According to sources close to the Simpson family, Charlie has a history of shady money practices and “always seems to be around when money goes missing off the table,” said one West London neighbor of the Simpsons who wished to remain anonymous. Even the school lunch lady reports Charlie frequently hands her the incorrect change when paying for his lunch. “He buys the same sandwich and scone every day. He knows it costs £2.25, but constantly tries to get away with paying me £2.20 or £2.15,” she said.
Even multi-platinum musician Wyclef Jean has spoken out against young Charlie Simpson. The former member of the Fugees is, himself, currently caught in a scandal over alleged misuse of Haiti relief funds. Immediately following his Thursday morning hearing Wyclef issued a statement calling Charlie’s indulgence in a fire truck “Absurd” and reminded people he only stole a few thousand dollars to pay for a plane ticket and January’s rent. Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus R. Vance Jr. added that Wyclef would probably be “gone ’til November.”
With the exception of a few, there has been surprisingly little public outcry. In fact, donations continue to arrive in dozens by the hour. “Charlie has a big heart,” his Dad says “and hopefully an even bigger Father’s day gift for me this year.”
This entry was written by , posted on January 1, 2010 at 9:41 pm. Leave a comment.
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