It’s Gonna Be a Good, Good Year

I have two resolutions this year: learn to draw and play the piano.

According to credible sources on the internet the tradition to make New Year’s resolutions dates back to “a long time ago.” In that time, it’s been statistically proven (using the volume of a triangle formula: v = 1/3 (B*H)) that nobody has ever stuck to a resolution. The formula also implies it’s impossible to stick to a resolution that includes that words “lose” or “quit.” I know my track record for following through with these things is bad, but this year will be different. Had I known in 2007 that polytetrafluoroethylene really was the most slippery material in existence I wouldn’t have set out to invent the most slippery material in existence. You’re probably wondering why I’m still on Earth at all after 2000 when I said I was going to build a rocket ship capable of carrying myself to the Sagittarius Dwarf Galaxy.

Yah, I didn’t get around to that. It’s not an idea I’ve totally abandoned. I have, however, given up on my 2003 quest to locate my sister’s real parents largely due to her birth certificate and most recently the result of a DNA test on The Maury Show. Although, “Forever” was convinced “Terrance” was the father of her baby, but Maury said Terrance “Was not the father.” Forever didn’t believe Maury anymore than I do.

Let’s not even talk about my 2002 resolution to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Like many Americans I was still suffering from post-9/11 traumatic stress disorder. I also didn’t cure cancer in 2007 because of 6 year anniversary of 9/11. I did however fix the broken leg on the coffee table that year — so get off my back already.

This year my resolutions are more manageable. Definitely more manageable than the year I was double-dogged-dared to go back in time and kill my grandfather. Not that my time machine didn’t work. Because it did. I just couldn’t find him without Facebook and then Biff showed up at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

I’m not trying to be Yo-Yo Ma or Beethoven. It would just be nice to spontaneously play “I Say A Little Prayer” at a strangers rehersal dinner wearing a funny hat while a guy is explaining the hilarious, fake story of how he met his wedding date while everyone in the lobster restaurant slowly begins to join in. If you don’t think I’m taking these resolutions seriously, look at this:

That’s me drawing a piano. I’m practically worthy of being in the Museum of Modern Art already. As soon as I figure out what foot pedals are for I’ll be opening at Carnegie Hall.

This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on January 1, 2010 at 9:41 pm. Leave a comment.