Where’s Ken Mattingly?
I am your typical American: blonde, blue eyes, arrogant, very good looking, and stupid. When I heard there was an oil spill last month I just assumed a ship ran aground. “Oh well it happens,” I thought. If I saw “oil spill” online or on the news I just tuned out. I don’t care about fish because fish don’t care about me.
I didn’t start paying attention until I saw Kevin Costner on TV promoting Waterworld 2. I was shocked to find out it wasn’t a spill. It was spilling! Al Jazeera explains what happened:
The blogsphere is up in arms, and most are writing about the environmental aftermath, the impact on the fishing industry, or the affect on local businesses. I don’t care about any of that. I don’t even care enough about that sentence to look up if I was supposed to use affect or effect. What bothers me is we lack the human ingenuity to solve this.
I’m depressed.
I thought I might live too see time travel or when we break the speed of light. Damn it man! If we can’t fix this pipe Scotty will never beam me up. I had been hoping to be cloned and now that looks like a no-go. At this point I’ll be lucky to see flying cars. It’s been spilling for more than a month. Really? We can’t fix this? In the last 10 seconds I thought of at least 12 ways to do it (7 of them involve duct tape).
Where’s Ken Mattingly when we need him? He was the guy who solved the power consumption problem on Apollo 13. He did that in like a day — surely he can fix this.
This entry was written by , posted on May 24, 2010 at 5:53 pm. Leave a comment.
Matt Perry Ruined My Life
I was listening to Kris Kross this morning (as you do) and I realized they weren’t just a gimmick duo with backward clothes and sideways caps. The Mack Daddy and Daddy Mack were rapping about real issues every 12 yr old in America could relate to. Take Jump for example. Back then I thought I was supposed to just jump up and down. How high? Real high. But today I realize “Jump” is about standing up to school bullies. To make sure you don’t come off as “whack” and to “jack” kids who step to you. Believe dat!
Who couldn’t relate to “I Missed the Bus”? I still wake up everyday and lay back down thinking I can chill ’til the time comes around. Getting to the bus on-time was perhaps the biggest worry I had in the 6th grade, besides trying to get Melissa Persia to notice me. Which you’d think would’ve been easier given that the Alphabet Gods placed our lockers right next to each other every year (Parmele, Persia).
Until probably the worst day of my life –- the first day of school of the 10th grade.
We had a new student: Matt fucking Perry. Now the lockers went: Parmele, Perry, Persia. Those two minute exchanges between classes were pretty much the only reason I made the bus to begin with.
I will always hate that kid. It’s also the reason I could never get into Friends. If Kris Kross had a song about this it would be called “I Hate When New Kids Move to Town”. Featuring lyrics like, “Yo man, it was perfect before you came” and “You messed everything up, 4 realz”. He pretty much ruined my life. A couple more years of funny locker comments and she definitely would’ve went to prom with me. Instead, Julie Vendetti turned me down and I entered a downward spiral of cola drinks and Arby’s Chicken Bacon & Swiss sandwiches. The whole experience was wiggity wiggity wack.
This entry was written by , posted on May 5, 2010 at 8:04 am. Leave a comment.
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