Dumbledore was Voldemort the Whole Time
I am always fucking with people. I need a calculator watch to count the number of times people have said, “I can never tell if you’re serious” to me. The general rule of thumb is: if my mouth is moving I’m screwing with you in some way.
People have described me as having a very “dry” sense of humor. Oh, I know.
It’s all about the deadpan delivery. I don’t laugh, I don’t smile, I act totally serious. It’s twice as funny…to me…if you don’t know I’m kidding. Here’s a classic example:
I pick out the family size Wheat Thins in the grocery store and at the checkout I ask the cashier “Is it OK that I buy the family size if I live alone?”
I like baseball, but my favorite sport is messing with people on the way out of a movie theater. I love crossing people up and planting ridiculous ideas in their head. For example, in a crowd, walking out of The King’s Speech I said (out loud) casually to my friends, “I can’t believe he was faking the speech impediment the whole time!” A good friend would help me out and say “I know, that’s crazy!” The goal is to get one, just one person to second guess themselves.
Coming out of 127 Hours I tried to get people to believe James Franco really cut his arm off to “immerse himself in the role”. At Matt Damon’s Green Zone I was trying to convince people it was a prequel to the Bourne Identity. After Inception the joke was on me. I still don’t understand it.
At the end of the day – also during the middle – I’m just trying to amuse myself. My sister and ex-girlfriends will tell you I’m tough to be around sometimes. Bear in mind they all have other reasons to hate me. They’re my chorus constantly telling people “He’s kidding.” But what other purpose could a cashier exist if not solely for my entertainment? I am the center of the universe. So, it should come as no surprise that you guys aren’t real…this whole time.
That’s right.
This entry was written by , posted on July 29, 2011 at 10:39 am. Leave a comment.
Who Are You? Who, Who, Who, Who?
Get out your Clue boards, your Guess Who game, your CSI: Miami box set DVDs, and we’re probably going to need a Spy Gear Lie Detector Kit. Last night, at approx. I don’t know when, I lost two friends…on Facebook. If I had something to do today they would probably would’ve gotten away with it too.
Let’s review the facts:
- I dropped from 328 to 326 friends overnight.
- Summerwind Skippers got robbed on America’s Got Talent yesterday.
Well, that’s not really a lot to go on. This may be harder than I thought (that’s what she said!). I don’t watch a lot of CSI: Miami, New York, Boston, Detroit, Boise, Juno, Monowi, etc. But I think the place to begin is a screenshot of my friends list and to keep saying “Enhance”. This is someone’s face at 2000% zoom:
WE’RE GETTING NOWHERE WITH THIS!
I think yelling helps. Probably best if I kick something over (detectives do that a lot).
That’s a chair I just kicked over.
Here I’ve enhanced on the chair.
GOD DAMMIT! NOWHERE! Maybe I should interrogate myself…
Detective Me: Where were you last night?
Me: I was home.
Detective Me: Do you have any enemies?
Me: Bears, snakes, people who power walk.
Detective Me: Is that what you tell yourself so you can SLEEP AT NIGHT!?
Me: I mean, they look ridiculous swinging their arms. Just jog.
Updated facts:
- I dropped from 328 to 326 friends overnight.
- Summerwind Skippers got robbed on America’s Got Talent yesterday.
- People who power walk are ridiculous looking.
I don’t understand why anyone would want to defriend me. My Facebook etiquette is amazing; I post on average 1.3 funny comments per day, my mobile uploads provide insightful commentary on our world, and I would never bore you to death with photos of my kids. I don’t ask you to join my mafia, I don’t start conversations on your wall that would be better suited for a phone call, I don’t tag you in photos as inanimate objects, and I never make a vague statement that requires you to reply “OMG what happened?”
You know what…fuck those two.
This entry was written by , posted on July 28, 2011 at 12:45 pm. Leave a comment.
The 415 on San Francisco
A oneChristine Hochmuth, just asked me on Facebook for some tips on blending into the Northern California scene. I needed more space than was socially acceptable on Facebook, so here, I present to you “The Top 20 Things You Should Know About San Francisco Before Moving Into a $1.1m House With Two Dudes You Met On Craigslist” list:
(I’ve been here two months. I’m sort of an expert.)
- San Francisco is called “The city”. Not San Francisco, not San Fran, not Frisco. The city.
- Music has to be “your soul”. It’s a good idea to follow bands that very few people have ever heard of. Or even better: make up fake names. Nobody will question you and 40% of people will tell you they also love your non-existent bands.
- Don’t buy a TV and every time Dexter or Game of Thrones comes up in conversation immediately interject with “Oh I don’t own a TV”.
- Identify yourself as a “foodie”. It sounds trendy, right? All it really means is you enjoy not starving to death.
- I still don’t understand Fair Trade, but you probably should.
- You need an OkCupid profile – even if you’re in a relationship.
- Ride a fixie. People will respect your hardcoreness and it’s the first part of your epic quest to become a “hipster”.
- Say you hike all the time – actual hiking not required.
- Owning a small dog is a rite of passage.
- On the other side of the Bay Bridge is The City Who Must Not Be Named.
- No self-respecting, underground cafe in the Mission will give you free WiFi to Gchat on a PC. You MUST own a MacBook Pro.
- Oh you’re looking for a parking spot? Try San Jose.
- The average person has 2.5 degrees, works at a start-up, and knows a guy who knows a guy.
- Say “micro climate” three times fast. When you’re done the fog will clear up (but still be windy).
- Yoga. We’re all doing it.
- Try the $2 roller coasters (Muni J, K, L, M, N, T).
- People guard their favorite taqueria like a state secret. Find your own, bitch.
- It’s not there are a lot of homeless people, there just aren’t many homes.
- Don’t bring shorts for July.
- Craigslist is the only safe way to date.
Feel free to add your own in the comments.
This entry was written by , posted on July 16, 2011 at 4:18 pm. Leave a comment.
Hey Alex, Call Me!
When I say “I used to hate women’s soccer” I’m talking about last Saturday. Back then I mocked a friend for setting his TiVo for the Brazil match. And now? I’m lovin’ it! Now I have a Hope Solo jersey, memorized Alex Morgan’s bio, bought a vuvuzela, and spent all day yesterday breaking down Japan’s win over Sweden so I could email coach Sundhage my thoughts. My suggestions:
- Draw up plays for Alex Morgan (so she gets a lot of TV time)
- Put the ball up in the air near Abby Wambach (she’s 6 inches taller than the Japanese)
Why the 180° turn?
Simple: Megan Rapinoe’s cross to Abby Wambach in the 122nd minute against Brazil.
I woke up late Sunday morning pretending to be upset that I missed the first half of the match. You know…it’s what dudes do. When other guys are around (e.g. my roommate) it’s essential that we try to make each other laugh. Women’s soccer was an easy target. So, I throw the game on fully intending to mock it. I get some early jokes in like “Blink and you might miss a pass” and “Oh man! Did you see that? Yah, me either”.
Next thing you know we’re in stoppage time and that Brazilian girl is rolling around on the ground (I’ve seen better acting on Days of our Lives) like a land mine just went off. The clock is ticking. She’s milking it. And I’m losing my cool. They carry her off the field and then she gets up running. That was the moment when I wanted this win more than anyone on the field. It was so on! And a minute later Wambach headed in Rapinoe’s cross…I paused for split second…stared at my roommate…and we both simultaneously thew our hands up into the air. ‘These girls can play!’
We watched the penalty shootout with bated breathe and then celebrated our victory. We earned it (you know, for sitting through half a match).
Then the French match: BOOM! [Wambach] HEADSHOT! Rapinoe was the spark again and anytime she’s passing to Morgan I’m happy.
If you’re in the Inner Sunset on Sunday our house should be pretty easy to spot: look for the balloons, streamers, air horns, the open garage BBQ, and people airplaneing down the street with their shirt over their head.
This entry was written by , posted on July 15, 2011 at 12:45 pm. Leave a comment.
My Memory Sucks
I have Early-onset Alzheimer’s. I think. I don’t entirely remember if my doctor said that. But, I think that fact confirms it.
My memory has become ridiculously bad. I just took a shower and I must’ve washed my hair at least 2 or 3 times. But the thing is, how can I be sure? It’s like I’m going through my life sleepwalking and then I have these moments of realization: “How the fuck did I just get here?”
It even happens driving. I can be 30 minutes into a drive, then “wake up” and have absolutely no memory of the last 30 minutes. That’s scary. I mean, I must be stopping at stop signs and lights – I’m not dead. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone else. There are never cops trying to pull me over.
I’m 30 yrs old and my life is one giant fucking blur.
Why can’t I remember the lyrics to ANY song. Why do I “lose” my wallet every day? I suck at Saved by the Bell trivia and I’ve seen every episode five times. I suppose it’s great for movies. Every time I watch The Sixth Sense I’m shocked that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time!
I’m really paranoid that I’m going to forget who I am. Who you are. If it gets that bad, I don’t want you guys to tell me about THIS life. Tell me I played for the Yankees or that Keira Knightley and I used to be a thing (and I ended it). I’d want you to tell me I invented something awesome for mankind, like CPR or Extra Extra Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter.
Remember me. Because I won’t remember you.
This entry was written by , posted on July 7, 2011 at 9:26 pm. Leave a comment.
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