I’ve been critized in the past, mostly by myself, that I’m all talk and no action. Jay-Z famously referred to me in his song 99 Problems as the type that was “loud as a motorbike, but wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight”.

I’ve been a strong proponent of “friend cleansing” on Facebook. In a previous blog I said “Farmville has one useful purpose on Facebook: to identify the friends you need to defriend”.

If I’m going to be a leader of this cause, I realize it’s not enough to just step up to the microphone. It’s not enough to organize the parade. I need to be leading it. (Of course, you’ll be walking and twirling a baton or beating a drum while I’m driven in a covertible with the top down waving semi-graciously to everyone who has turned out to see me.)

I can’t ask you to make sacrafices without making any of my own. Actions, they say, are louder than words.

So, the other day I received 3 emails in the span of 16 hours from a friend trying to give me a llama or some retarded shit. I can’t be bothered with feeding a cat and I was too lazy to keep my Tamagotchi alive. Where would I even keep a llama, dumbass? I thought I had turned these notifications off. Farmville is like Robocop – it can’t be killed. I did, however, kill Melinda from my friends list:

Look, being friends with me is a privilage not a right. You want to continue to see my hilarious status updates? I know you do…then don’t send me crap from your farm. Unless those melons are 36-24-36.

Awhile back I wanted to see Paranormal Activity in the theater. Spoiler alert! If you haven’t seen it yet (and want to) you should stop reading. Now, you see what I’ve done there? I’ve given people a heads up that I’ll be talking about the movie. It’s a lil’ somethin’ we call good internet etiquette – which my Aunt Mary desperately lacks. A few months ago my she pulled a dick move on Facebook and revealed the ending of Paranormal Activity:

“OK, anyone who has seen Paranormal Activity please chime in: did anyone know that there was two separate endings?? I didn’t until today, tell me what ending you saw, maybe there was more than two! I saw the one where the boyfriend gets thrown into the camera and she looks into it and her face turns into the ‘thing’”

In retaliation, I vowed to spoil five movies she hasn’t seen yet. And over the course of two months that’s exactly what I did…

Pwned.

Burn.

Old fashion Rick Roll.

OH SNAP!

And now we’re even, Mary.

Every time I see someone playing Farmville a little smile creeps into my lips. Maybe more of a smirk. Then I look up to the left, my smirk becomes a full blown smile and I think…of ways to kill that person.

It doesn’t bother me people are “wasting their lives” playing a game. I spent my entire 20s wasting my life. Now, granted, I almost went pro in Soldiers of Fortune 2 (SoF2) – so bad example. It’s just, it’s insulting to technology to play Farmville. It’s sort of like being Amish. You could go to the store and buy butter for a $1 or you can spend 7 days churning it yourself. The Amish are borderline retarded. They’re also not offended by that because they don’t have electricity let alone the internetz.

Playing Farmville on a PC is like using a calculator to add 1+1. You understand of course, that the PC you’re using is 1,000 times more sophisticated than the computers used to put the first man on the moon.

Farmville has one useful purpose on Facebook: to identify the friends you need to defriend.

I interviewed a Farmville player who’s identify will remain a secret and herein referred to as tnuA yhtaK.

Jason: Why do you play Farmville?
tnuA yhtaK: One, it’s relieves stress and secondly it’s addicting.

Jason: Cocaine also relieves stress and is addicting. Do you do crack?
tnuA yhtaK: No, it’s not free.

Jason: So, you would do crack – if it were free?
tnuA yhtaK: What’s this for, Jason?
Jason: Just answer.
tnuA yhtaK: No?
Jason: “No” to doing crack or “No” you won’t answer?
tnuA yhtaK: Hey, it’s your Mom’s birthday on Friday.
Jason: Seriously, you’re running my interview.

Jason: So, you don’t play Farmville because it’s fun then?
tnuA yhtaK: No, it’s not fun. I just want the biggest and best farm.
Jason: Wow, that’s strikingly similar to what Hitler said.

Jason: If I gave you $20 would you stop playing Farmville?
tnuA yhtaK: No way.
Jason: Well, if you send me another baby elephant or cow I will defriend you even if you are my Godmother, Aunt Kathy.

(Reminder: Enter the caption contest here to win a $10 iTunes gift card.)

And I want it.

Awhile back a dude created a Facebook group that said if 1,000,000 people joined the group his girlfriend would let him turn their house into a pirate ship. It was funny. I joined and eventually over 1,000,000 people joined. But now he’s all like Oh, I don’t have enough money lol.

In clear, pirate terms, this douche-bag agreed to “turn [his] house” into a pirate ship. But he hasn’t even started and instead launched a website asking for donations. Whoa, whoa, whoa! That wasn’t the agreement. What kind of scam is this guy running? I ask for donations, but at least I’m upfront and providing you with entertainment. Nowhere did Captain Liar say he didn’t have the money or that we would also need to fund it. What kind of pirate needs a pirate ship house who also doesn’t have plundered loot or buried treasure lying around? Worst. Pirate. Ever.

Wait til you get a load of how much this guy wants before he’ll begin building. Your average American house probably costs about $100,000. Swashbuckler Pinocchio wants $1.5 million! He says he wants to do it “properly”. I don’t give a fuck about properly. He can go to the hardware store and buy some boards, paint and a couple bed sheets as masts for all I care. If he’s so broke maybe he should’ve saved the $50 he just spent on a web domain and hosting fees.

Basically, this guy wants us to make him a millionaire for one funny comment he made 3 years ago. I’d rather, of course, people made me a millionaire. I’ve been making funny comments in AOL teen chat rooms since ‘94. I want to create another group on Facebook called “You owe us a pirate ship house NOW BUILD IT!”. When 1,000,000 people join I’ll pretend it wasn’t a secret business model and ask for $1 each.

(EDIT: I actually just discovered such a group exists. It’s called “If the Pirate Ship House guy doesn’t follow through with his plans, I’m going to be angry”.)

What would happen, if theoretically, we all donated money and he reached his goal? Firstly, he would be a millionaire and we would all be dumb. Secondly, he probably wouldn’t even build the house – he’d find another way to back out. He’d probably just move to Vegas, invest in Glenn Beck’s gold company, do copious amounts of crack with former MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge cast members and gamble the rest away on WWE matches. There is just no accountability on the internet. Well, not since I used to pretend to be a 16/f/ca on AOL.

Yo Facebook, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but Google had one of the best alogrithms of all time.

I hated Facebook’s People You May Know tool, which is now just called Suggestions. Here is a suggestion: stop recommeding I become friends with my high school classmates like Paul DeGraff. He tried to steal my Joe Montana Topps rookie card in sixth grade.  Also, please stop trying to force me to become friends with my girlfriend on your social networking site. Yes, we have 64 mutual friends. Yes, we live together, but I don’t want her in my virtual world.

I don’t need her updates anyway. I already know she’s playing Mario Kart in the other room. (She’s practicing for her nightly beating on the Mushroom Cup. Baby Peach on a motorcycle just can’t compete with me and Luigi.) I admit it would be kind of nice not to have to get up to see what’s she’s doing and risk a conversation about how her day was. I see the appeal there. If I could just open my browser, click my favorites, log in, search her name and click to find out she’s in the other room playing the Wii it could definitely make my life a bit easier. However, I know from past experience it’s not that easy.

We used to friends on MySpace. I didn’t work out well – for me.  Random girls from the night before would leave “lol <3″ comments on my page and blow my “I was at the library” cover story. For weeks my girlfriend thought I was a hardcore-serious student. I suppose the 50% on my Databases exam would’ve given it away if MySpace hadn’t. She’d check my MySpace after a night “studying” and ask me who JenBunny19lolxoxo was? “I have no idea” worked the first time and never after with Ashley21foru or my other MySpace admirers.

What? We’re not married.

If I’m occasionally flirty on Facebook isn’t it possible (if I can’t see) that my girlfriend is too? No. Why? She saves her password in her browser and I log in to check while she’s playing the Wii.

Also, the real reason, her ex-boyfriend doesn’t know we’re dating and he’ll probably want to fight. Hush-hush, k?