My Wii Mii is a poor representation of my natural athleticism. I’m actually embarrassed other Miis presume that to be me. Two days ago, my Mii, also named Jason, lost to my girlfriend’s sister in tennis. It’s ridiculous…I’ve never even lost a game of Monopoly to a girl before.

Then last night “Jason” lost my pro status in bowling. Now, granted I was barely over the 1,000 point threshold, but my Mii completely succumed to the pressure. At one point he dropped my rank into the 800’s. 800 is somewhere between the skill level of Nick Jonas and that skateboarding dog. (Actually the skateboarding dog is probably amazing at video games. Pretend I said the two-legged dog who walks upright.)

Having the word pro appear next to your name is one of the highest honors you can receive in any virtual environment. It’s right up there with acquiring the Sword of a Thousand Truths in World of Warcraft. It’s not just about the recognition either; you also get to use a glitzy, diamond covered ball. (That’s what she said!)

My Mii couldn’t get anything going tonight. Even the other Miis were laughing at me including Big Al whose high score is 92. At one point in the video below my Mii is so stupid he pauses the game mid-swing:

I also find it odd that when my Mii plays Wii baseball he doesn’t hit a home run every time – like real life. My cousin Cassie, who in addition to being a girl is only like 15, has repeatedly beat my Mii in boxing. Yah, that would happen.

My Mii doesn’t get much better in Wii Resort either. I can barely canoe, can’t control the jet ski, I’m 0-9 in sword fighting and of all things lost to a co-worker in table tennis. Are you kidding me? I could beat the same co-worker on a real table with my left hand while my right paddles a canoe fighting off jet-ski pirates wielding swords. No, really.

In a few weeks everyone is going to be talking about Michael Phelps and Tyson Gay, but the greatest American athlete won’t be participating in the Olympics this summer – not in China anyway.

Yah, Tyson Gay runs the 100 meters in less than 10 seconds, but could he catch me in hide-n-seek? Not likely. I know all the best hiding spots. He would never even think to look for me by the patio underneath the grill cover. It’s really a shame the International Olympic Committee (IOC) doesn’t officially recognize backyard games. If they did, I’m all you would hear about in China.

This weekend I went 9-0 in a variety of backyard party games. Michael Phelps just swims in straight lines. Yah, real hard! Trying playing Marco Polo with my family. My cousin Ronnie has freakishly long arms and an uncanny knack to call “Fish out of water”. Despite that – I still come out on top. Cassie is always yelling “His [my] eyes are open”, but it’s simply not true. I just inherently know where people are going to be. Mike, for example, is always on the other side of the banana float with the cup holders. Michael Phelps does multiple events, you say? So do I. I dominate water basketball, noodle joust and my against the filter whirlpools defy physics.

If the game involves a ball, a net or tossing anything into or near a target you might as well just give me the Gold. I wasn’t born like many of you. I was never a very good student. I’m terrible at math. I can’t spell. If it wasn’t for the game Risk I wouldn’t know the names of any other countries – and I can’t even be sure Uzbekistan is a real place. But by God am I coordinated.

I can consistently throw bean bags into 4 inch holes from 20 yards out. If you played lawn darts with me you would be convinced I was using some sort of missile guidance system to land them in the circle. I’ve never been knocked out of the 4^th square, have over 1,100 wiffle ball home runs and have had my family use the hose on me because I literally thought I was on fire playing bocce ball.

By the time the Olympics finish up I’ll have more backyard Gold than Fort Knox. But, all you’re gonna hear about is Michael Phelps. I can’t even get some air time on ESPN8 “The Ocho”.