Some child stars are cute. For example, I was a baseball prodigy in t-ball. Unassisted triple plays, grand slams and catching the ball in my hat earned me the nickname “Hot Dog”. However, despite my natural ability for the game I never hit a growth spurt and by high school I still looked like I was on the t-ball team. Other child stars make you want to go back in time and kill their parents. I’m specifically thinking of Jake Lloyd, the kid who played young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars I: The Phantom Menance. Then there are the child stars like Lindsay Lohan. She was adorable in the remake of The Parent Trap, but after the success of Mean Girls became a poster child for MADD, AA and a regular fixture on the celebrity rehab tour.
I love parents who push their kids – too far. You either get greatness (Tiger Woods) or train wrecks (Brittney Spears). And I think I just discovered the next child star train wreck. Daves Highway is a musical group made up of three siblings: Delaney (15), Zachary (13) and Erika (12). With a push from their parents they’ve developed a following on YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. Check out this crazyness:
YouTube is full of aspiring child singers. Some, like Justin Bieber, have made the transition from YouTube celebrity to actual celebrity. But there is something not genuine about their videos. I have to assume their parents are exploiting them (sort of like balloon boy). In fact, there is a 10% chance these kids have been kidnapped and are actually sending us a S.O.S message. Can anybody play these backwards?
I bet, because Americans are stupid, this band is going to become huge. Their popularity with young Christians is going to explode and they’ll have a #1 song on the Billboard Top 40. They’ll appear on the American Music Awards (AMA’s) and during their acceptance speech probably get cut off by Kayne. Afterwards they’ll enter a downward spiral of drugs, free thinking and end up on VH1’s Where Are They Now in 10 years.
By then Zachary Daves (23) will likely land in a Methamphetamine rehab clinic after overdosing and attempting to rob a 7-11 with a Nerf Blaster that demonic voices convinced him was a ray gun. In an effort to get his life back he’ll turn to Scientology – now the official religion of the United States (largely due to celebrity endorsements and late night infomercials). Tom Cruise, now considered by Scientologists as The Supreme Being, calls Zachary’s recovery a “testament to thetan” and also notes Zachary has discovered the 8th Dynamic of Life after a sizable donation.
Delaney Daves (25) in act of pure rebellion towards her parents and church will probably marry Miley Cyrus during a live USTREAM broadcast. Miley and Delany will form their own band and sign with the YouTube summer tour, formerly called Warp Tour. However, the two never take the stage because they become so distracted updating their Facebook, MySpace and Twitter statuses that they completely forget why they’re in a bus in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.
Surprisingly, Erika Daves (22) may be able to overcome the odds and become a normal 22 year old college student. However, at the age of 16 she’ll need to file for legal emancipation from her overbearing parents and “defriend” both her brother and sister from Facebook.
Cross your fingers!