The Fall of Daves Highway

Some child stars are cute. For example, I was a baseball prodigy in t-ball. Unassisted triple plays, grand slams, and catching the ball in my hat earned me the nickname “Hot Dog”. However, despite my natural ability for the game I never hit a growth spurt and by high school I still looked like I was on the t-ball team. Other child stars make you want to go back in time and kill their parents. Like Jake Lloyd, the kid who played young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars I: The Phantom Menance.

Then there are the child stars like Lindsay Lohan. She was adorable in the remake of The Parent Trap, but after the success of Mean Girls became a poster child for MADD, AA, and a regular fixture on the celebrity rehab tour.

I love parents who push their kids — too far. You either get greatness (Tiger Woods) or train wrecks (Britney Spears). And I think I just discovered the next child star train wreck: Daves Highway. They’re a musical group made up of three siblings: Delaney (15), Zachary (13) and Erika (12). With a push from their parents they’ve developed a following on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. Check out this crazyness:

YouTube is full of aspiring child singers. Some, like Justin Bieber, have made the transition from YouTube celebrity to actual celebrity. But there is something not genuine about these Daves Highway videos. I have to assume their parents are exploiting them (sort of like balloon boy). In fact, there is a 10% chance these kids have been kidnapped and are actually sending us a S.O.S. message. Can anybody play these backwards?

In all likelihood these kidnapped kids are going to become huge. Their popularity with young Christians is going to explode and they’ll have a #1 song on the Billboard Top 40. They’ll appear on the American Music Awards (AMAs) and during their acceptance speech probably get cut off by Kayne. Afterwards they’ll enter a downward spiral of drugs, free thinking, and end up on VH1′s Where Are They Now in 10 years.

By then Zachary (23) will likely land in a Methamphetamine rehab clinic after overdosing and attempting to rob a 7-Eleven with a Nerf Blaster that demonic voices convinced him was a ray gun. In an effort to get his life back he’ll turn to Scientology — now the official religion of the United States largely due to celebrity endorsements and late night infomercials. Tom Cruise, now considered by Scientologists as The Supreme Being, calls Zachary’s recovery a “testament to thetan” and also notes Zachary has discovered the 8th Dynamic of Life after a sizable donation.

Delaney (25) in act of pure rebellion towards her parents and church will probably marry Miley Cyrus during a live USTREAM broadcast. Miley and Delany will form their own band and sign with the YouTube summer tour, formerly called Warped Tour. However, the two never take the stage because they become so distracted making out and updating their Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter statuses that they completely forget why they’re in a bus in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

Surprisingly, Erika (22) may be able to overcome the pitfalls of her siblings, finish college, and become a productive member of our society. It’s not too late. However, at the age of 16 she’ll need to file for legal emancipation from her overbearing parents and defriend both her brother and sister from Facebook.

We can only hope!

This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on April 2, 2010 at 4:46 pm.

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