Free internet TV for every American

God gave Americans, and just because I’m Agnostic doesn’t mean I don’t get them, certain inalienable rights, such as:

1. The right to bear arms - which does not exclude Polar bears
2. Freedom
3. Trans fat
4. Mp3’s
5. MTV’s Jersey Shore
6. Diplomatic immunity
7. Oil, and lastly
8. Hulu.com

There are two things I don’t have on that list. Firstly, the Polar bear. I assume, however, that’s it’s probably a 30th birthday type ritual. Sort of like Avatar where I need to go out into the wild and “connect” with one. It’s cool – I’m 29 – I can wait 10 more months.

Also, if you haven’t seen Avatar yet, it turns out it’s a freakin’ chick flick. Don’t be fooled by that trailer showing Marines destroying a planet in search of oil little rocks. It’s basically Bridget Jones’s Diary minus Hugh Grant’s awkward facial expressions. Actually, it’s like Iraq plus a love story. 

The second thing I’m pissed about is 8th American inalienable right: Hulu. Because I’m outside of the U.S. I’m blocked from accessing Hulu. Hellooo…I’m an American. Generally, I favor legislation, walls and fences that keep foreigners out of the U.S. Heck, I wish we had 60yr old racist Texans in upstate New York sitting with shotguns and whiskey in hand to keep an eye on the Canadians. But damn it man, I’m an American let me watch Hulu from Ireland. It’s like not being allowed apple pie or milkshakes. I don’t want to come off as whining, but IT’S NOT FAIR my sister gets to watch it! Why can’t I [Mom]?

Some of you more observant types, possibly those of you with Asian friends, might look at the photo above and see I was just trying to watch James Franco’s apperance on 30 Rock. And you might comment on how unimportant that is. But I couldn’t disagree with you more: (1) I can do whatever want, and (2) Did you even see James Franco guest star on General Hospital? He’s amazing.

What’s the point of Hulu inside the U.S. anyway? Everybody has cable. Everybody has TiVo. Everybody has all the DVD box sets. And everybody has a perfect life. Hulu is designed for Americans outside of the U.S. who don’t have the modern conveniences of home. I don’t get why this one thing is forbidden to us. We can do whatever the hell we want without any repercussions outside the motherland – home of McDonalds and Disney World. Did you see Liam Neeson’s portrayal of an American in Taken? He practically tore Paris down in the matter of 48 hrs. He shot the wife of a big shot French intelligence chief and nobody said shit to him. That’s how we roll.

I’ve come up with a couple ways Hulu could do a check to see if you’re an American from overseas:

1. Enter your passport number.
2. Ask Saved by the Bell trivia.
3. Ask a relatively easy algebra problem. If they get it wrong, they’re probably American.
4. Ask which version of The Office is better: US or UK? (We obviously know the right answer here.)
5. Ask them which key the “@” symbol is on – or should be on? Americans will say “2″ everyone else will say “,”. Simple really.

Tagged as: american, hulu