My girlfriend wants a cat. I don’t want a cat. Inevitably, I’m going to lose this argument — as with all other arguments before this. My overall record against my girlfriend is 0-23. One time, to break the losing streak I tried to start an argument that 2 + 2 = 4. To do this, keep yelling “2 + 2 = 4 what are you dumb?” repeatedly at someone. However, I lost this after she cited a Wikipedia entry proving 2 + 2 = 5.
What this has taught me is you can’t outrun the bear. You have to be smarter than the bear. So, I’ve agreed to get a cat if my girlfriend can adhere to some rules.
Rules:
- It’s her responsibility to feed the cat — not mine! The only exception to this rule is if she’s out of the country.
- It’s her responsibility to purchase cat food. I will not make any late night runs to the store because she’s “tired” or “have been on [her] feet all day.”
- The cat must be a house cat and declawed. The second to last thing I want is for it to be outside killing chickens and come back and give me H1N1. (The last thing I want is for it to give me AIDS.)
- Under no circumstances will I ever clean the litter box.
- The cat must not shed hair on the furniture, floor, or my clothes. One piece of cat hair on my khakis and I will punch it in the face and rename it Rihanna.
- The cat must be able to play the saxophone.
- If unable to play the saxophone, the cat needs another special talent that would get it 1,000,000 views on YouTube.
- The cat must have a basic understanding of English. Somewhere between a Mexican immigrant and Elmo.
- Throwing up is not allowed (from anybody).
- The cat must have thick skin because I will be blaming it for shit. Like broken picture frames, missing money, and that girl who keeps calling and hanging up whenever she answers the phone.
- My acceptance of a cat would count as her gift for Valentine’s Day and her next two birthdays.
- Rules #1-11 can be ignored if instead of cat she gets a tiger.
This entry was written by , posted on July 3, 2010 at 10:01 pm.
jason, you do know that H1N1, commonly known as swine flu, comes from swine not chickens, right? just to make sure your clear. the cat could kill chickens with it’s huge sharp claws, and then you could have dinner not H1N1. now, if the claws were so huge and sharp it killed pigs…well then you might have yourself a problem and maybe should get a shot (although it takes 2 weeks to work, so then it may be too late so go now).
My intern, Brandon, dropped the ball on fact checking this blog. So, let’s assume the chicken had sex with a pig. I’ve definitely seen that on the Discover Channel.
Aw, cats are lovely. In all seriousness, declawing just isn’t done in Europe. A lot of places have made it illegal. And honestly once you realise that declawing is amputating the cat’s toes…well, gotta say I agree with it now!