I would like to go to church more often. Yes, I’m Agnostic, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like a good story. As it stands, I go to church once a year: on Christmas Eve. Never, during the course of the year, is the church more packed. It’s standing room only. A matinée at 4, another showing at 7 and an encore performance at midnight. We cram in, all of us; Catholics, Atheists, Methodists, Agnostics and a few Jews probably sneak in to get out of the cold.
I’ve been to a lot of churches and like car dealerships they’re all the same. They lack energy and innovation. Every Christmas mass is the same. A hymn, a reading, and a homily recited by Ben Stein’s character in The Wonder Years. It’s usually followed up with another hymn, the kids nativity play and if you’re lucky a quick communion. 2 of the 3 Wise Men in yesterday’s play forgot their lines, Joseph had ADD, the angels lacked grace and the donkey couldn’t stand out from the sheep.
Why is the Father always 97 years old? Between him and the lectors I’m nearly asleep by halftime and then they have the nerve to pass around collection baskets. I’m not funding amateur hour! Churches needs to think big. What about bringing in professional actors and singers? Maybe the cast of Glee or NBC’s Sing-Off winners. How about Mel Gibson to play Jesus or Spike Jonze to direct the nativity play?
Regardless of how you view Christianity, the Bible is jammed full of entertaining stories: Daniel and the Lions Den, The Judgement of Solomon, Joseph and His Coat, David and Goliath, how about the one where God creates the Earth. These are page turners!
I love a good story. I spend an enormous amount of time reading, watching TV and movies every month. I want to be entertained and I’m willing to pay. So why is church so boring when they’re armed with the greatest stories ever told? It’s Christmas! They need to bring down the house and they have a lot to work with: an immaculate conception, white people being refused service (at the inn), angles shouting down to shepherds, and 3 Kings guided by the stars to the son of God. It’s completely fictional, but so is Sherlock Holmes and Avatar and they’re raking in millions this weekend. If the church can’t sell Jesus on Christmas maybe they should just hire James Cameron and next year I can bring my 3D glasses.