In a few weeks everyone is going to be talking about Michael Phelps and Tyson Gay, but the greatest American athlete won’t be participating in the Olympics this summer – not in China anyway.
Yah, Tyson Gay runs the 100 meters in less than 10 seconds, but could he catch me in hide-n-seek? Not likely. I know all the best hiding spots. He would never even think to look for me by the patio underneath the grill cover. It’s really a shame the International Olympic Committee (IOC) doesn’t officially recognize backyard games. If they did, I’m all you would hear about in China.
This weekend I went 9-0 in a variety of backyard party games. Michael Phelps just swims in straight lines. Yah, real hard! Trying playing Marco Polo with my family. My cousin Ronnie has freakishly long arms and an uncanny knack to call “Fish out of water”. Despite that – I still come out on top. Cassie is always yelling “His [my] eyes are open”, but it’s simply not true. I just inherently know where people are going to be. Mike, for example, is always on the other side of the banana float with the cup holders. Michael Phelps does multiple events, you say? So do I. I dominate water basketball, noodle joust and my against the filter whirlpools defy physics.
If the game involves a ball, a net or tossing anything into or near a target you might as well just give me the Gold. I wasn’t born like many of you. I was never a very good student. I’m terrible at math. I can’t spell. If it wasn’t for the game Risk I wouldn’t know the names of any other countries – and I can’t even be sure Uzbekistan is a real place. But by God am I coordinated.
I can consistently throw bean bags into 4 inch holes from 20 yards out. If you played lawn darts with me you would be convinced I was using some sort of missile guidance system to land them in the circle. I’ve never been knocked out of the 4th square, have over 1,100 wiffle ball home runs and have had my family use the hose on me because I literally thought I was on fire playing bocce ball.
By the time the Olympics finish up I’ll have more backyard Gold than Fort Knox. But, all you’re gonna hear about is Michael Phelps. I can’t even get some air time on ESPN8 “The Ocho”.