I should be a consultant. My ideas are so much better than everyone else’s. I want to open up an “Idea Shop” where people come in and ask me for ideas. It’s just me, a desk, a PC, and I play World of Warcraft while I wait for customers.
Anybody can come in. I can help everyone. I’ve watched enough The West Wing that I could get Mitt Romney elected. No question. I have six new slogans for Bud Light in my head at any given time. I could triple Q2 sales of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish with one ad.
Take football for example, the Pittsburgh Steelers sure-as-shit wouldn’t have lost to Tim Tebow and the Broncos had I been consulted on the play-calling. Look at these stats from the game:
It’s simple math, man. I. Redman was averaging 7 yards per carry, you only need 10 yards for a first down, and you have 4 plays to get a first down. I feel like I solved this problem before on a sixth grade math test. Answer: Hand the ball off to I. Redman every play. Even better, A. Brown (whoever he is) had one run for 18 yards. All the Steelers had to do was run this one play over-and-over again. This is how I win on Madden ’10 all the time.
Why would the Steelers ever throw the ball?
I got ideas for movies too:
- Kill the main character*, early
- Get more Ryan Gosling
- Don’t give the whole plot away with the title (e.g. We Bought a Zoo)
- Double the amount of fog machines you’re using
- If your entire movie is based around super intelligent apes, surely they must want more than just living in Muir Woods
*Unless it’s Ryan Gosling.
How do you think Stella got her groove back? That was my idea. The producers came to me and this was our conversation:
Producers: Stella lost her groove.
Me: Get it back!
Producers: How?
Me: That’s your story right there.
Cap’n Crunch. Make him a general already. Honey Nut Cheerios. More honey, please. Crushing on a girl? Mix tape. Mix tape. Mix tape. “Buy one get one free”. How about “Buy one get two free”? It’s a game changer!
Trouble with your baseball swing. Swing faster. Need a cool PowerPoint transition. Fly In. Radio jingle for an Amish furniture store. Too ironic — make a sign with crayons. Can’t decide between brioche bread pudding and chocolate butterscotch brownies. Get both. Social media strategy. Retweet at me.
In summary:
why would you WANT to get romney elected? barf.
but more gosling is a great idea. “put a gosling on it!”
The only thing I can dream about lately is Ryan Gosling or Bob Harper.
Give mi a tip to avoid procrastination. It’s a real problem. It’s 1:00 am and I have an exam in “German language in the tourism industry” in 8 fucking hours and all I wanted to do was “check” if anything new is on your blog and go right back to studying. What I ended up doing was googling who the fuck are Ryan Gosling and Bob Harper and came up with a bunch of dudes that look like they fuck a lot of chicks, infinitely more than I ever will and probably have already retired which makes my life look miserable in comparison even though it barely started. So yeah. Just checking in. Love you Jason. Have a great last year. I sure as fuck will since it’s the end of the world soon.
And by that I don’t mean I will have a great year as in I will live to the fullest. It’s great because we are all going to die and I fucking hate everybody. Just to make things clear. See? Fucking procrastination. Can’t shut the fuck up. Also I have to now go see if I am spelling that word right.
Using your Mayan logic (that world is going to end), I see no reason to study for this exam anyway. If I were you, and I was once, I would just return to WoW. Level a Shaman. You always wanted to do that. You could hit the cap in 8 hours. Live YOUR life to the fullest! Online. You were a hero once. A brave knight of The Barrens.
Fuck that. I would have to do keybindings and settings all over again. I am not willing to do that more than once in a lifetime.
And that’s your advice? To just fuck it? :p How in nine hells is that helpful? “Idea office” my ass. More like “Doom office” and that’s hardly original as such things already exist. They are called “Banks”
Dear “John”, you’ve forgotten who you were.
I still am, you should see a guy named “Fizzlefox” hating everyone in League of Legends while bashing his head into the keyboard, of course I have no pals there so I can’t let the hatred out on Ventrilo so I just keep it botled in and let it boil. Helps me fall asleep at night. Can’t live without it now. I caught myself going home from a successful exam few weeks back and I felt weird like I do very rarely, I call that mood: “temporary non-hate” Then I came to my senses and immediately punched a paraplegic orphan that happened to pass by in the face just to make the disgust go away.
Oh and one more thing on a more serious note. You should try doing some PC gameplay podcasts/commentaries and post it on youtube, sure takes a while and a bit of effort and lots of time to build some solid fanbase but if you are entertaining enough it will pay off. You already got a cool mic and a speck of talent :p
“Oh Fox, at it again.” You flatter me with the “speck of talent” comment.
Yeah, you are welcome, I can always tell when pathetic weaklings need a bit of support. I have “people skills” after all.
Just out of curiosity, can you for example BAN me from coming to your site and your life?
Why would I reduce the number of people that come to my blog by half?
Touché.
I thought you sold the mic…