Jonathan Taylor Thomas is Missing

There are a lot of high profile people missing in the world right now. Carmen Sandiego, for starters. Amelia Earhart has been missing for like 74 years and Jimmy Hoffa, well, we know where he is, but we’re not tearing down Giants Stadium anytime soon just to confirm. The real mystery is what happened to JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas)?

Here he is circa 1994.

How he might look today:

If you’ve seen this kid call 1-800-THE-LOST.

Someone should create one of those Facebook spam messages:

JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) is missing!! He was last seen on Veronica Mars six years ago. If u have any information please contact Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor. Please re-post this on ur wall or u’ll have bad luck!! LoL!! I <3 u JTT!!

I guarantee you my sister will post that bullshit. She loves causes. She also understands how much JTT means to me. A lot of people confuse JTT with Rocky or Colt from 3 Ninjas. (Someone even asked that on ChaCha.)

You’ve never heard of 3 Ninjas – I know. Had JTT been in it you sure the shit would’ve! He had this one crazy ninja-like move where he would make your heart melt with just one smile.

It’s crazy that he hasn’t been in anything since 2005. I would’ve cast him in the starring role of every major blockbuster of the last 10 years. I heard J.R.R. Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings with JTT in mind as Frodo. Slumdog Millionaire? He would’ve crushed it as an Indian kid. He could’ve played Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. Aaron Sorkin and JTT on the same project? I just had an orgasm.

According to the people who have time to register and post things on Wikipedia he has spent the last few years at Columbia University pursuing a degree in General Studies. They also believe he’s gay. Which is awesome – for me. What? I love General Studies.

Now that he’s “smart” maybe he’ll make the right move and reappear to audition for the Avatar sequel. Maybe it’s a prequel? Whatever it is, it better be in 4D (3D is so 2009).

This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on September 9, 2011 at 1:21 am.

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