Mayan Calendar Pyramid Scheme

The world isn’t about to end, people. How do I know this? Well, because I’m not a f**king moron.

According to the same people who have been stocking canned tuna since Y2K, December 21, 2012 marks the end of the Mayan calendar and the start of the apocalypse. If you ask me, renewing Whitney for a second season was the start of the apocalypse. The planets aren’t aligning to form world-destroying tidal waves. There isn’t an invisible life-ending asteroid hurtling towards us and the Eqyptian pyramids aren’t alien spaceships in disguise*.

*I am not 100% on this.

Of course the Mayan calendar ended, the Mayan civilization doesn’t exist anymore. How are they supposed to keep pumping out calendars? Besides, I think people are looking at this Mayan calendar thing all wrong. I don’t think the question should be, “Why did the calendar stop?” I think it should be, “Why were the Mayans making calendars 2,000 years into the future anyway?” They were up to some shit, for sure.

Imagine it’s the year 900, you’re Joe, a hard working Mesoamerican busting your ass in the calendar plant:

Joe: Hey Frank, why are we making calendars?
Frank: I dunno.

Joe: I mean, we’re making calendars for 2,000 years in the future? Who’s buying this shit?
Frank: I never thought about that.

Joe: And how come we have to press this button every 108 minutes?
Frank: You’re blowing my mind right now, Joe.

Joe: What if we just stopped? We’re the only two people here.
Frank: I…I guess.

Joe: What was the last day you chiseled into that stone?
Frank: Umm, December 21, 2012.

Joe: Cool cool cool.

What possible reason would they be looking 2,000 years ahead? The only logical explanation is they discovered time travel and saw the holiday calendar business as a lucrative opportunity.

  • Step 1: Discover time travel
  • Step 2: Make 20th century calendars
  • Step 3: Open a mall kiosk
  • Step 4: Profit
  • It’s like the plot to Looper.

    So, this year for Christmas, enjoy that mall kiosk calendar you know you’re going to get from someone with the knowledge that you’re helping to support an ancient civilization too stupid to buy a Farmer’s Almanac.

    This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on December 8, 2012 at 11:27 pm.

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    Jason Parmele © 2012.