There are 59,600,000 Google results for “genealogy”. Two things jump out at me: (1) Google can count to nearly 60,000,000 in 0.14 seconds, and (2) I can’t believe how many people are interested in that nonsense.

Want to know your family genealogy? I can save you $100.00 in yearly fees at FindMyPast.com or a long talk with your grandmother. All you have to do is read Darwin’s The Origin of Species (free at the public library). Heck, just take a look at the cover that should give it away. But you should still talk to your grandmother anyway. They like that.

People are always asking me “Where is your family from?”. I tell them Amercia. Then they follow up with a laugh and say “No, I mean what’s your genealogy”. To which my reply is always, with a laugh back, America. My Mom and Dad were both born in the U.S. Their parents were also born in the U.S. and that’s as far back as I’ve ever cared to ask. We’re all from the same tree.

I hate when people tell me their genealogy. They’ll say “My Mom’s Mom is from Italy and my Dad’s Great-grandfather, John, is from Germany and John’s Mother is from…” Eventually they choose to a place to stop or can’t get any further information and end up with some crazy family identity fraction: 1/16^th French, 1/8^th Spanish, etc. More like 9/10^th stupid. All they’re doing is tracing it back to a point they’re happy with. So, don’t give me shit when I trace mine back to a point I’m happy with: American.

Eventually America will be a valid stopping point for people in the future anyway. Sooner or later we’re all bound to blow each other up over something ridiculous, like religion, and people of the new nations “Where Did Everyone Go” and “Fuck Wrong Button” will recall their families were once from that giant crater, formerly known as the United States of America.

We’re all from the same place. We all have exactly the same genealogy. Which makes everyone on MTV’s Jersey Shore my brothers. And that’s the situation right here.

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