I am consistently saying funny shit. Need examples:
I bet the other nouns are jealous some went pro.
If I was a giraffe captured by a pack of lions I would try to start a basketball league so they could see my value.
When people tell me the sky’s the limit, are they patronizing me? I’m capable of going much further. MUCH. FURTHER.
I saw a dog and duck fighting today. OK, I made that up. But I did see a duck today. Well, yesterday.
Instead I barely have 50 followers. It’s bullshit, man. @Lord_Voldemort7 has nearly 2 million followers. Lord Voldemort7. 7! “Lord Voldemort” was taken by at least six other people and he still found 2 million muggles people to follow him. All this account does is make a Harry Potter reference every day.
It blows my mind.
@DaREALSn0wWhite has 1,500 followers with classic tweets like “..Not happy” and “dammn im tryna see the wu tang clan dec. 28″. @HarryPotteries does the same thing the Voldemort account does and has 9,000 followers. I could list these generic, lame accounts forever. Probably forever twice including all the fake Justin Bieber accounts with over 100k followers.
I’ve searched “how to increase my Twitter followers” a few times and it’s all networking bull crap (social media swapping, mass following, tweet @ people). I shouldn’t have to do anything. I’m the talent here. Derek Jeter doesn’t walk up to girls in the bar, girls in the bar walk up to Jeter. Which makes me think: I wonder if celebrities see my name under “Who to follow”? You can RT that.
Will Arnett tweets something dumb like “Crap! I think I left my keys in 2011″ and hundreds of people retweet that. It’s not funny. But he’s Will Arnett, apparently.
The internet/blogger mantra has always been: “Content is King”. But I haven’t found this to be true. I have less people reading my blog than following me on Twitter. I’ve written some funny fucking posts — yet it’s lost in a cauldron of lame Harry Potter jokes. See what I did there? RT that. Or tweet @ me. Something.
I’m funny hilarious and the world needs to take note.
While writing this I just created a new drinking game called “Parm’s Tweets”. Rules:
The only thing beyond the reach of my fists is humanity.
NBC’s decision this week to put Community “on hold” and keep Whitney tells me, collectively, we’re never going to accomplish anything. Curing cancer? Psh, Justin Bieber’s new Christmas album is coming out. We can’t afford to support both causes.
i want to beat every american on the snout with a newspaper and make them watch Whitney in front of me. DID YOU DO THIS? DID YOU DO THIS? whitney is like watching a 24 minute version of the 30 second cut-aways in Family Guy where they make fun of sitcoms. whitney is a slow-motion car accident set against a laugh track, and what the f*** is with that laugh track? WHO LAUGHS LIKE THAT? and WHY DO WE NEED TO BE REMINDED TO LAUGH? shouldn’t that be a sign, THAT WE HAVE TO BE TOLD WHEN SOMETHING THEY CONSIDER FUNNY HAS BEEN SAID? i’ve seen a total of 4 minutes of that show and i felt like i was in a goddamn ZOLOFT COMMERCIAL. all i wanted to do was f***ing CRY AGAINST A RAINY WINDOW. i want to punch every last NBC executive in the mouth. DO YOU FEEL THAT? THAT’S WHAT WHITNEY FEELS LIKE. F***.
I don’t know a single person who likes Whitney. I have 350 friends (on Facebook). Ryan has another 350. Add in the staff of La Fonda, that girl grocery bagger at Lucky’s on Sloat, some guys from our flag football team, that girl I was talking to in the bar last night, and none of them like Whitney.
I’d love to know who these people are with the Nielsen boxes — that determine the ratings. I’d describe what I think they’re like, but I don’t know how to do that without being a racist. Community is right up there with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia as one of the best shows on TV. Ironically, they’re both routinely snubbed by the Emmys.
Look, I love Modern Family. Watch it every week. It’s smart writing, but Community is smarter. Perhaps ‘too smart’ for the Mormon high school dropouts in Utah with the Nielsen boxes.
If this is where this country is going — if Whitney is perceived as a better show than Community — let’s just end this. Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeee-ha!
Oh Halloween, how I love thee. Let me count the ways:
Candy
Slutty nurses
Slutty police women
Slutty nuns
Etc.
Back in August, myself and Ryan (my roommate, BFF, childhood pal, fierce competitor, Nerf cop partner, funny dude) began brainstorming costume ideas. We knew we wanted to be an internet meme. Last year, Ryan crushed it as Keyboard Cat. Somewhere between trying to determine the correct number of roses (in dozens) to bring on a first date and problems with superstring theory, we decided we wanted to do a real-life rickroll.
The answer is two by the way. You should always bring two dozen roses on a first date (and you’ll want to give them out one by one every 10 minutes).
So, rickrolling is a pretty simple concept, but we wanted to take it to the next next level. We needed a setup. We needed that one-two punch! We needed a way to play music and that’s where John Cusack’s character from Say Anything comes in. Played by me. I’m the setup, the decoy. The next step is the trick.
Ryan plays the role of Rick Astley, but we needed to disguise him. To do that, we hid him in a giant pig mascot costume which we modded to be tear away with Velcro. On the surface, I was just that dude from Say Anything and he was a funny looking pig.
The idea was to walk up to a large group of people and for me to hold the boombox up like I was Lloyd Dobler. We created an mp3 that played the first five seconds of Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” before abruptly changing to the Rick Astley song “Never Gonna Give You Up”. At that moment, the punch — Ryan would jump out of the pig costume singing and dancing exactly like Rick Astley.
Firstly, girls, you should not be using online dating sites. Guys on Match and OkCupid are legitimately fucking nuts. I’ve talked to dates, friends, and even had the courage a couple of times to browse other dudes’ profiles – you jeopardize your life. They’re the 99%. But, if you must…
Don’t post a photo of you taken from 25 yards away. How do you think this going to help me figure out what you look like? Even if it’s an adventure shot. Great, you climbed Half-Dome. Everybody in the Bay Area has.
When you post group shots it needs to be obvious which one you are. If I can’t figure it out, I have to assume you’re the least attractive one. That “artsy” shot from a weird angle isn’t fooling anyone. You’re not skinny. Why are you trying to disguise this fact? Also, I don’t think Hipstamatic or Instagram on your photos is as clever as you think I do.
Some of my favorites are:
What would possess you to upload a picture of a necklace you made?
Are those sheep? Cows? Giraffes? WTF!
This is the chick’s ONLY photo. A BIKE!
Oh, shoot me already.
I just want to see what you look like.
Secondly, all of your self-summaries read exactly the same. Stop using clichés and be unique. Let me guess…you love your family, your friends, traveling, have your dream job, and are looking for a “partner in crime”. You love nights out but also love nights in on the couch. You work hard and play harder. You’re looking for someone who is serious, but also someone who can make you laugh. Did I nail it?
Well, news flash, you’re 25. You don’t have your “dream job” yet, we don’t want to knock over a 7-Eleven with you, and we couldn’t care less about the person you say you are. We just wanna see the photos, man.
Also, The Law of Large Numbers says if you list all your favorite books, movies, TV shows, music, and food we’re bound to have some in common. So, let’s all just assume we like some of the same pretentious books, foreign movies, critically-acclaimed TV shows, bands you thought only you knew about, and Mexican food.
Maybe use this space to write something interesting about yourself so I don’t have to start my email to you with “OMG you love It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia too? No way!”
8 Simple Rules for Online Dating:
Everybody is lying; they’re trying to present their ideal-selves not actual
That South American or European city you’ve only visited once can’t be one of your favorite hot spots
How “considerate you are” can’t possibly be the first thing someone notices about you (it’s probably, almost always, your boobs so write that)
Stop talking about how you can’t believe you’re on an online dating website –- it was always clearly going to come to this
If your username is ‘DeathGirl6669′ you should probably think about starting over
If you don’t want to meet a person after four emails, stop writing them unless you’re looking for a pen-pal
A first date should always be drinks (never commit to a dinner with someone you haven’t met yet)
Don’t Facebook them until after the fourth date, maybe even five or six
This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on October 29, 2011 at 2:26 am. Leave a comment.
October is one of those depressing months that force us to consider if we’re, as a society, doing enough to recognize and honor celebrities. Will Smith must be so bored right now. He probably hates hanging out at home making popcorn and watching The Real World: San Diego while Willow Smith runs around yelling “I whip my hair back and forth”. Also, I’m not sure if Willow Smith is a boy or a girl and I’m not entirely sure I’m supposed to know.
I’m genuinely worried the movie industry will stop making Fast and the Furious sequels if we don’t find a way more ways to idolize them. Plus, Sean Penn feels like the Japanese earthquake that caused a tsunami totally overshadowed his relief efforts in Haiti and an award show would be the perfect place to let us know that.
So, what I’m thinking is this: The BRAS. An award show to recognize the Best Remakes and Sequels (BRAS). Keeping with the theme, we would hand out bronzed bras as the actual awards. The official sponsor? Victoria’s Secret. The whole thing lends itself to easy marketing. I already have five or six ideas that involve me making out with Gisele.
It’s pretty obvious the new Footloose remake is going straight to DVD and won’t be recognized by the Academy, SAG, Golden Reel, BAFTA, Writers Guild of America, Directors Guild, or even my World of Warcraft guild. As a nation, we need to to commit, by 2015, to making sure we have enough award shows to properly celebrate Transformers 8 5D.
We need to make sure celebrities feel like Gods or at the very least demigods. It gives them more confidence when they drive home drunk from the after after-party because as it turns out Shia LaBeouf’s real car doesn’t drive itself. He shouldn’t be treated like the rest of us. The guy has won MTV Movie Awards and is being considered for The BRAS “Lifetime Achievement in Beating a Dead Horse Award”.
This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on October 4, 2011 at 3:19 pm. Leave a comment.
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