With the exception of power walkers, there is nobody I hate on this planet more than parents who use photos of their babies as their Facebook profile picture.

There. I said it. Somebody had to. I know it’s going to be uncomfortable for some of my “friends” to hear and in the plain states, when I run for President in 2024, the Kansas City Star is going to make me eat those words. (There are a lot of power walkers in Kansas.)

Firstly, your baby is not you. Grow some self-identity. You’re the same people that won’t stop talking about your kids at a dinner party. “Johnny, oh my God, he did the funniest thing the other day…” No Johnny didn’t, I assure you. I hate to be the one to break this to you, in a blog no less, but your kids aren’t unique.

The “cute” photo you just took has been taken by every other parent. Why did you take two dozen photos from the same angle with a hat I can only assume you thought looked adorable on them? Also, why did you upload all twenty-four?

I don’t care about your kid nearly as much as you think I do.

Secondly, you’re not fooling anyone:

There is no way this baby has worked at Salesforce!

If I could figure out where my friends list is now on the new Facebook I would give you more examples of bullshit your baby can’t possibly be doing. Though, I was able to find the Enough with the Baby Profile Pictures: We GET IT, You Reproduced Facebook group. I “Like” that.

Your real friends aren’t going to tell you this. We’re just Facebook friends, so I can tell you: you’re annoying the shit out of everybody. People actually despise you. There is a Stanford study that actually says you’re making other people’s lives more miserable. I can assure you, you’re definitely making mine more miserable.

I tried to think of a few things I could legally do to stop you from doing this:

1. Punch you in the face

I couldn’t think of any.

Instead, I’m just going to begin reporting my friends who do this as “underage accounts”. According to Facebook’s policy you have to be at least 13 yrs old to register an account. Seeking a comment, one anonymous Facebook employee told me, “You’re one of those obnoxious users who have too much time on their hands.”

God damn right and don’t even get me started on ultrasound profile pictures.

This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on September 23, 2011 at 4:51 pm. Leave a comment.

In a press release today, NBC Executive Vice President of Programming, Jane Blaney, has confirmed that they will be canceling Whitney even before its first episode airs next week. The new sitcom was slated to be apart of Thursday’s “Must See TV” lineup, but will now be replaced by a series of apologies from NBC for the two months worth of Whitney promos they have been ramming down our throats.

The news may come as a surprise to some, as it was only back in June that NBC was calling Whitney Cummings, the show’s star, the network’s new ‘It Girl’. While trying not to tarnish Whitney’s reputation, Blaney casually mentioned, “that sassy bitch didn’t test well with any audience,” adding that, “women hated her and men 25-35 called her ‘insufferable’.”

The news comes as no surprise for anyone with a Twitter account. Trending topics over the last two weeks have included #cancelwhitney, #whitneysucks, and #bringbackfireflyinsteadofwhitney. It’s also good news for everyone on Twitter who selected the “under” on the 2 1/2 line established by @joeroderick:

Not letting Whitney shoulder all the blame, Blaney also recognized that NBC “dropped the ball” with their marketing efforts. “In hindsight,” Blaney said, “we realize that advertising to guys watching football by making fun of guys watching football was sort of a bad move.” NBC thought it was just “Whitney being Whitney” (one of the show’s taglines), when in reality it was Whitney being one step away from two black eyes.

The promo Blaney was referring to was a 30 second spot where Whitney was making fun of her friend, boyfriend, husband some guy who was wearing a football jersey while watching football. The promo’s lackluster punchline was Whitney saying “You’re not actually on the team, so why do you have a jersey on?”

Shortly after that spot aired a rumor began spreading on Twitter that Tennessee police had arrested a Tennessee Titan’s fan in a Chris Johnson jersey on suspicion of murder. The man reportedly became increasingly upset at Whitney as the Titans lost 14-16 to the Jacksonville Jaguars on Sunday.

An NBC spokesperson acknowledged the Tennessee rumor and said, “[they] wouldn’t be surprised” if it were true and added, “Whiney’s career will probably be shorter lived than Dane Cook’s”. NBC also acknowledged an online petition to cancel the show, which apparently several Whitney extras had signed. The pilot was so bad one extra believes even being in the background pretending to drink a soda without ice in this “God-awful show” will be terrible for their career. “The next thing you know,” the extra said, “I’m ‘Grocery Shopper #5′ in Up All Night pretending I can’t find the peanut butter.”

This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on September 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm. Leave a comment.

There are a lot of high profile people missing in the world right now. Carmen Sandiego, for starters. Amelia Earhart has been missing for like 74 years and Jimmy Hoffa, well, we know where he is, but we’re not tearing down Giants Stadium anytime soon just to confirm. The real mystery is what happened to JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas)?

Here he is circa 1994.

How he might look today:

If you’ve seen this kid call 1-800-THE-LOST.

Someone should create one of those Facebook spam messages:

JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) is missing!! He was last seen on Veronica Mars six years ago. If u have any information please contact Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor. Please re-post this on ur wall or u’ll have bad luck!! LoL!! I <3 u JTT!!

I guarantee you my sister will post that bullshit. She loves causes. She also understands how much JTT means to me. A lot of people confuse JTT with Rocky or Colt from 3 Ninjas. (Someone even asked that on ChaCha.)

You’ve never heard of 3 Ninjas – I know. Had JTT been in it you sure the shit would’ve! He had this one crazy ninja-like move where he would make your heart melt with just one smile.

It’s crazy that he hasn’t been in anything since 2005. I would’ve cast him in the starring role of every major blockbuster of the last 10 years. I heard J.R.R. Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings with JTT in mind as Frodo. Slumdog Millionaire? He would’ve crushed it as an Indian kid. He could’ve played Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. Aaron Sorkin and JTT on the same project? I just had an orgasm.

According to the people who have time to register and post things on Wikipedia he has spent the last few years at Columbia University pursuing a degree in General Studies. They also believe he’s gay. Which is awesome – for me. What? I love General Studies.

Now that he’s “smart” maybe he’ll make the right move and reappear to audition for the Avatar sequel. Maybe it’s a prequel? Whatever it is, it better be in 4D (3D is so 2009).

This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on September 9, 2011 at 1:21 am. Leave a comment.

I’m serious this time. Seriously.

Not like that time I said I was going to “change the way we move from floor-to-floor in large buildings”. I drastically underestimated the amount of time it would take for me to remove all existing elevators and install giant foam pits. I also never found a way to get people up. But toothpaste – I can do this.

The problem was easy to identify. Look at this picture:

Every brand has 32 different toothpastes that achieve 32 different goals. One protects against cavities. One protects your enamel. One has advanced whitening, but no fluoride. Why do I have to choose between preventing cavities or controlling tartar? Why can’t I buy a toothpaste that protects against cavities, protects my enamel, whitens, whitens with baking soda and peroxide, has a mint and cinnamon flavor, freshens my breath, stops tartar, has fluoride and copolymer, is designed for sensitive teeth, prevents gum disease and plaque build up, strengthens my teeth, works well with dentures, and is gluten free?

And there it is!

The “All-in-One®” toothpaste. Boom!

It does everything. You’ll no longer have to sacrifice your enamel for brighter, whiter teeth. I feel like I should get a Nobel Prize for this. Do they have a category for this? Is this an advancement in Medicine? Chemistry? I dunno, but it’s P-A-R-M-E-L-E.

Colgate tried to do this with Colgate Total®. But Colgate still has six dozen other types of toothpastes so clearly they don’t even believe in it. If Crest were smart they would discontinue every type of toothpaste they make and back my “All-in-One®”. Rough estimates (that I’m working out now with a TI-85) would give Crest All-in-One® a 100% market share by week two. I should probably get a Nobel Prize for math too.

This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on September 6, 2011 at 12:56 pm. Leave a comment.

I was flying recently. Well, the pilot should really get more credit than me. I just kind of sat there making fun of people paying $5.99 to watch Thor. SPOILER ALERT: It looked like Thor won.

I know we cracked the technology (creating lift with air) awhile ago, but flying still amazes me the way color TV still amazes my Mom. The airline industry is an incredibly complicated assembly line with a million moving parts – 9/11 made it more complicated. Of course, Coolio’s arrest in 2009 for possession of crack at LAX makes it even more complicated.

As cool as I think flying is, I don’t enjoy flying. Not because I feel like cattle being herded, but because I think I’m a character in Final Destination. I always think the worst. For example, last week, while I was waiting to board my flight to NYC I pressed shuffle on my iPod and the song that came up was “Crashin’” by Jack’s Mannequin. Off the album GLASS PASSENGER! I seriously considered not boarding. I flew anyway, but not before writing an email to Ryan that said, “If I die, tell my story.”

I hate when airlines ask us to, “Please turn off all electronic devices.” Not for the obvious Toby Ziegler The West Wing reference:

“We’re flying in a Lockheed Eagle series L1011. It came off the line 20 months ago. It carries a Sim-5 Transponder tracking system. Are you telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?”

I mean, yah, that by itself is funny.

But it bothers me because they don’t enforce it.

Don’t tell me to turn off my iPod and imply that it may cause us all to die in a fiery crash if you’re not going to double check that I did or not. I always turn mine off. I can go 15 minutes without listening to “Party in the USA”. But I go NUTS when I see other people haven’t turned off their phone or mp3 player. I feel like I would be within my rights to punch them in the fucking face. In fact, it’s probably my civic duty.

But I’m more mad at the airline.

You’re just fucking with me, aren’t you JetBlue? You’re like FOX news. “THERE MAY BE SOMETHING IN YOUR HOME THAT CAN KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! We’ll tell you about that on the 11 o’clock news.”

The next time it happens I’m just straight up telling on them.

This entry was written by Jason Parmele, posted on August 25, 2011 at 11:30 am. Leave a comment.