Why Don’t I Have a Million Twitter Followers?

That title is a question, people. Why don’t I?

I am consistently saying funny shit. Need examples:

If I was a giraffe captured by a pack of lions I would try to start a basketball league so they could see my value.

When people tell me the sky’s the limit, are they patronizing me? I’m capable of going much further. MUCH. FURTHER.

I saw a dog and duck fighting today. OK, I made that up. But I did see a duck today. Well, yesterday.

Instead I barely have 50 followers. It’s bullshit, man. @Lord_Voldemort7 has nearly 2 million followers. Lord Voldemort7. 7! “Lord Voldemort” was taken by at least six other people and he still found 2 million muggles people to follow him. All this account does is make a Harry Potter reference every day.

It blows my mind.

@DaREALSn0wWhite has 1,500 followers with classic tweets like “..Not happy” and “dammn im tryna see the wu tang clan dec. 28″. @HarryPotteries does the same thing the Voldemort account does and has 9,000 followers. I could list these generic, lame accounts forever. Probably forever twice including all the fake Justin Bieber accounts with over 100k followers.

I’ve searched “how to increase my Twitter followers” a few times and it’s all networking bull crap (social media swapping, mass following, tweet @ people). I shouldn’t have to do anything. I’m the talent here. Jeter doesn’t walk up to girls in the bar, girls in the bar walk up to Jeter. Which makes me think: I wonder if celebrities see my name under “Who to follow”? You can RT that.

Will Arnett tweets something dumb like “Crap! I think I left my keys in 2011″ and hundreds of people retweet that. It’s not funny. But he’s Will Arnett, apparently.

The internet/blogger mantra has always been: “Content is King”. But I haven’t found this to be true. I have less people reading my blog than following me on Twitter. I’ve written some funny fucking posts — yet it’s lost in a cauldron of lame Harry Potter jokes. See what I did there? RT that. Or tweet @ me. Something.

I’m funny hilarious and the world needs to take note.

While writing this I just created a new drinking game called “Parm’s Tweets”. Rules:

1. Using your Twitter iPhone app go to @parmele.
2. A player chooses a tweet to read.
3. If any other player(s) smile/smirk/laugh they have to drink.
4. If nobody laughs, the player who read the tweet drinks.
5. Pass the app to the next player.
6. If a player repeats a previously read tweet, that player has to drink and loses their turn.

I can’t imagine ever needing rule #4.